The answer to this question is very basic. In today’s society, children learn at an early age that they can say and do almost anything they want and get away with it. Children are also keenly aware that if they put up a big enough stink that their parents will eventually give in and give them their way. By the time a child has finished the so-called terrible two’s, parents may have already lost control of the child’s behavior, and just walking the child through a store can be a nightmare. What is the problem? Why do so many young children enter school and think that it is okay to throw tantrums or have very serious problems with compliance or respect? Why do so many young children simply refuse to do what their teacher tells them to do just because they don't feel like doing it?

            Believe it or not, society needs to be held partly responsible for these children who enter school with this confrontational attitude that has teachers wringing their hands and wondering, What I am going to do with this child? The faulty theories and philosophies that have come out of our educational institutions, along with permissive ideologies of so-called child rearing gurus, have promoted the idea that children need to be respected more than they need to be compliant and that the ground is level. To put it plainly, we are now supposed to ask our children if they want to do things rather than tell them to do what we want them to do.

            People in society seemed to have had etched in their minds over the last forty years that children should have a choice when it comes to what they say and what they do. Children become used to questions like, What do you want for dinner? What do you want to wear today? We're going out now, okay? Or, you can do five problems on this math page; you can choose the ones you want to do. Or even better, you can either sit down or get out of the room, the CHOICE is yours. Children don’t need choices; they need direction! Believe it or not, they want to be told what to do. Giving a child a directive produces security in the mind of the child. It makes him aware that the teacher is in charge, and that there is only one way to do things, and that’s the teacher’s way. Choices produce insecurity and confusion. Young children do not have enough knowledge built into their little brains to allow them to understand how to make correct choices. Once they are given choices that they don’t like, the struggles begin.

Well, the Saturday of the first game came, so Sarah and I headed up to the soccer field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk from the coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah was in the starting line-up. She ran up and down the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. She got up, and came crying over to the sideline and begged, "Don’t make me play anymore, Dad, I can’t do it." She refused to go back into the game. The game ended, and on the way to the car she continued to cry, "Don’t make me play Dad, please, I don’t want to." I mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, "You’re playing. You are playing. Now get in the car." She got in the car and we drove home. On the way home all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining in the back seat. I didn’t have a very long ride home, but I can tell you this. She wore me out. I was emotion ally exhausted by the time I got home. We pulled up into the driveway, and I sat miserably in the car as I watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, "Who wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game." I then attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying to myself, "Soccer’s for boys anyway." I walked into the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up the stairs, "SARAH." She sniffled her way through a "Yeah dad." I said, "Come down here." She came down the stairs, and I said to her, "Look honey, you don’t have to play soccer, if you don’t want to play. It’s ok with me." She said, "Oh thank you daddy." She gave me a big hug and kiss and ran back upstairs.

Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining armor. I had just come through for her, and given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the prudent decision; I didn’t even have to ask her mother’s opinion. I figured what’s the big deal, no harm done. I was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my six year old daughter to make her own decision.

Well, I have another daughter named Grace (Grace is 6 years younger than Sarah) who came to me when she was six years old and said, "Hey dad, can I play soccer?"

I said, "Sure honey." The same routine started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the outcome was much different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to the other. She never got near enough to even touch the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to me, "Boy that was fun Dad." She played the first season, and had a ball. She played the next season and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really badly, but didn’t have the opportunity. She still loved the game. To her, every game was an event, an outing that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with me.

While this was going on Sarah was into cheerleading, gymnastics, track, palates, and even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She watched her weight and understood that in order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of time exercising. She commented to me one time that some of her friends on her track team had less body fat than she did and that they could run faster than she could. It was just a passing comment but I remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed that she was bothered by this.

One day Sarah and I drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from a soccer practice. We got to the field, and Grace got into the car sweating; her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed a Gatorade and a snack over to her in the back seat, and Grace just sat there, contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, "Hey dad, why didn’t you make me play soccer?"

I said (defensively), "I wanted you to play. Don’t you remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell on your head. Then you begged me not to make you play again."

She answered me with, "SO? Why didn’t you make me?"

Now I was the one who was starting to sweat. I said, "You didn’t want to play. You wouldn’t let up until I agreed not to make you play.

Sarah then made a statement to me that I will never forgot as long as I live. She said, "But dad, you’re supposed to be in charge."

Where had I gone wrong seven years earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn’t done what she needed me to do. I had allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at the time? She needed me to tell her that she was going to play soccer because I as the parent knew what was best for her, and I wasn’t going to give her a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down.

When I teach my graduate courses, I ask my adult students the following question all the time. How many things did your parents let you get away with as a kid that you wish you had never gotten away with? I usually get lots of stunned looks from my students.

Too often we allow our children to make choices and decisions that they have no business making. I see it all the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls, parents giving in when their children demand they buy something, or parents trying to coax their kids to stop crying or to stop running away from them. The children ignore their parents’ pleadings. Usually, the parents say something to their children like, "What do you want to do?" Well honestly, who cares what they want, they’re three years old!

I’m not totally sure where this whole attitude has come from, but I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock’s first book, Baby and Child Care" was first published in 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation. In his book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was "the father of permissiveness." In later years, Spock claimed that he never changed his basic philosophy on child care, that it was imperative to respect children because they’re human beings and they deserve respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his teachings when he made statements such as "I’ve always said ask for respect from your children, ask for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children firm leadership." Years later, he became more moralistic and he said that parents should give their children strong values and encourage them to help others. This is only supposition, but I hypothesize that Spock may have decided that he didn’t like what he saw in society and realized that he may have played a part in the screwing up of generations. In later editions of the book originally titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, he stressed that children needed standards and that parents also had a right to respect. He stated in his book that parents were starting to become afraid of imposing on the child in any way.

I ‘m not claiming to be an expert on child rearing, but I do know that if children are re fed on demand they will be demanding. If they are allowed to say anything they want they will be disrespectful. If they are not held accountable they will be irresponsible. And if there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior they will be non-compliant. Parents today always ask, What can we do with our kids today? My question is, What are we going to do with these parents?

Once I relinquished my natural right as a parent to make decisions for my children, I was never truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned she had the power to make basically every decision that came along in her life whether large or small. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that she blames me because I wasn’t strong enough NOT to let her assume a role she was never designed to play in her own young life.

Dr. Spock has since passed away, and I think many of us looking for a new voice to offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the mess we are in today.

James Burns

Teachers and parents need to instill respect and responsibility in their

students and children and work to build positive relationships with them

which will provide greater opportunities for success.

Everybody knows what the 3 R’s of teaching are - reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic. But educators-parents don’t totally understand that in order to teach these basic subjects successfully, they must constantly be working to develop respect and responsibility in their students or children. No longer can it be assumed that children develop these attitudes on their own. Plus, teachers-parents must learn how to build positive relationships with their students or children and encourage them to develop positive relationships with their peers. Strong teacher-student and parent -child relationships are the key to fostering a positive and safe learning environment where much learning will take place and where all students will become capable, connected, and contributing members of their classrooms, school, or family.

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AUTHOR BIO

Jim Burns is one of America’s most inspirational educational speakers. His humorous and insightful presentations touch and influence his audiences in an unforgettable way. He is best known for his presentations on bullying, motivating disaffected students, diffusing power struggles, and character education. Jim has worked as a teacher and administrator since 1977. He is also an accomplished college instructor who teaches graduate-level courses in the areas of Cooperative Discipline, Disability Awareness, Brain Compatible Methods in the Classroom, and Teaching and Learning through Multiple Intelligences. Jim has two daughters: Sarah, who is seventeen, and Grace, who is twelve. He lives at the New Jersey shore.                                                                

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